NEW VIDEO: Appropriate Driving
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1507 7th St. PO Box #282
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Drivers
1) Boston — Everyone swears, especially @ sports radio GO BRUINS
2) LA — See more people reading scripts than using turn signals
3) Dog — Can you imagine if dogs got drivers licenses? Would they have to be 16 in dog years or human years?
4) Cat — My grandma’s cat used to sleep either in the back (in the sunshine) or on her lap on drives.
5) Giraffe — Man how much would suck to constantly have your head out the sunroof. @Shaq?
6) South — I love sunflower seeds. I thought the gun joke was too obvious here. ALSO that country song is from Being a Man: Things Every Man Should Know http://youtu.be/kDBI_TsP4Hc
7) Irish — hey at least he was Drunk in passenger seat. Erin go bragh!
8) Indian — They fucking honk non-stop… and nobody ever gets anywhere.
9) Canada — I didn’t have a dogsled
10) Asian — Nobody drives faster than Asians with NOS Sidebar I am SO pumped for 6 Fast the movie.
11) German — I’ve never been on the autobahn but I bet it would be SICK fucking kilometers.
12) Aladdin — I can show you the world… shining shimmering splendid. Soaring tumbling free wheeling on a magic carpet ride…
13) Colorado — They legalized weed right?
14) Australia — Down Under… it was easier than finding a kangaroo.
15) PS3 — or xbox … really just “gaming system”
16) Portland — Portland is actually ranked behind Brooklyn and Silverlake as the most hipster friendly cities in the country.
17) Mel Gibson — I’ve actually been to the bar he left when he got his DUI and started ranting about the Jews. Nice place right on the ocean.
18) Jews — can’t argue with that.
19) Night time — I ALWAYS check for murderers and monsters when it’s dark out… they have to respond if you ask them directly right??
20) Reese Witherspoon — All my Love Reese. All in good fun. You’re an American Citizen. I wish I could use “I’m pregnant and I need to use the restroom,” as an excuse I can’t believe it didn’t work for you. LINK: http://www.tmz.com/2013/05/02/reese-witherspoon-arrest-dash-cam-video/
NEW VIDEO: Misunderstood Expressions
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1507 7th St. PO Box #282
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Cringe
Death Sentence: When I was little a kid in my grade school told me that a death sentence was when the executioner utters a phrase and it kills the prisoner.
Abusing Drugs: Sorry Advil, I really love you. It was just a joke!
Toss my Cookies: I always thought the Cookie Monster wasted way more cookies than he actually ate. Also puking milk is a personal nightmare.
Watch My Soaps: I would definitely watch that Shampoo Show
Crap Shoot: Was too gross for this video
Office Pool: Little known fact… back when I worked in an office I was NCAA March Madness Basketball Bracket Champion. Undefeated. Straight Cash Homie!
Pay Per View: I didn’t have cable growing up. I thought it was paper view for a while. Like paper Mario.
DJango: My buddy literally said “Hey guys do you wanna go see D-Jango? The Trailer looks sick!” We were all like uh… Jamie Foxx says IN THE TRAILER that the D is silent. Also for the record “Leonardo DiCaprio” is an epic name.
Party Pooper: Bathroom Clubbin
Bare With Me: I sent my mom an email and actually did mis-use “bear” and “bare” … but I’m pretty sure it was an autocorrect and not human error.
Grow a Pair: for you eagle eyes… that’s a Pair of Pairs and I buried the berries near the pear tree. Fuck the partridge.
Make Ends Meet: I was making the ends of the meat meet… right? Right? Also I love to grilled meats.
Sitcom: Laugh Track is magic.
Step on a Crack, Break your Mother’s Back: TRUE STORY. When I was a little kid my aunt told me “Step on a Crack break your mother’s back,” which scared the absolute shit out of me. So much so that I avoided stepping on any cracks whenever possible and still do to this day. I came up with an elaborate game where even if I stepped on a crack, I could neutralize it by stepping in a specific point between two cracks like a master thief dancing through a room of security lasers.
tl; dr: I still have a problem stepping on cracks. Mom: You’re welcome.
NEW VIDEO: Bloopers/Extras/Gag/Reel 1 http://youtu.be/bSBIR6fOtko SHAZAM #TuesdayNoSleeves
For the record, I only said FUCK 24 times
Bloopers from the following videos (December/January):
Christmas Comes Early - http://youtu.be/3_oTdC3Uzes
How to have a Great New Year’s Eve - http://youtu.be/zZ768jHD6XA
How to Cure a Hangover - http://youtu.be/ZWFf78wcTzQ
New Year’s Resolutions - http://youtu.be/_6sAN4hOHnY
What your drinks says about you - http://youtu.be/2FgDTo1s8uI
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Max Weisz
1507 7th St. PO Box #282
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NEW VIDEO: I want to Live Mas (Live Más)
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Max Weisz
1507 7th St. PO Box #282
Santa Monica, CA, 90403
These were all i could remember:
Hello Beautiful
Look I just need to say something. I like you ok? More than any other. I know we both have been seeing other people.. heck I’ve tried to make it work with anyone on your block but they’re all just everyday. You’re the cure for the common. I want to make a change. Change is good. You’re the change I want.
You’ve always been 100% to me and I appreciate that. Oh what a difference you make! I like how you keep doing what always works but at the same time you think outside (the bun). You make me want to make a run for the border. There’s nothing ordinary about you.
Sometimes you make my stomach turn and I can’t stand you but no matter what I do I can’t get you out of me. That’s cuz you’re made just for me. You spice up my night. You feed my beast. I want seconds thirds and Fourths of you. Why do you think that is?
Look I know opportunity doesn’t knock it rings a bell. I’m ready to commit to just you and no one else. Cross the border with me! Yo Quiero. I want to Live Mas.
…didnt get to the Doritos loco tacos.. but they’re bomb
NEW VIDEO: Being a Man: Things Every Man Should Know
Boston Marathon relief effort: How you can help
http://www.boston.com/news/source/2013/04/boston_marathon.html
The Salvation Army is providing support — their Boston Emergency Services website is https://donate.salvationarmyusa.org/massachusetts/bostonmarathonrelief
For families trying to locate loved ones, call the Boston Police hotline at 617-635-4500.
If you have any tips to help out with the investigation, call 1-800-494-TIPS (8477), text the word TIP to CRIME (27463), or call 1-800-CALL-FBI (225-5324) and choose prompt #3.
Governor Patrick and Mayor Menino announced the formation of the One Fund to help people most affected by the bombings. http://onefundboston.org
Massachusetts General Hospital is accepting donations for emergency medicine and trauma. You can donate online https://give.massgeneral.org or call 617-726-2200
If you need psychological counseling or want to talk out your experience with a professional, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 1-800-985-5990
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Max Weisz
1507 7th St. PO Box #282
Santa Monica, CA, 90403
Being a Man
By Cowboy NoSleeves
Well A-1 here goes great on Raw Hide
And to open a jar, just take it outside
Changing a flat is smooth as a breeze
Just call Tripple A …and send an Ambulance Please?
Ain’t nothing more manly than killing a pest
Just take your baton and lay it to rest
If you’re grilling up some lunch
Well that’s mighty swell
Just keep your eye on that dog
If your name is Kal-El (aka superman)
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
You gotta do a bunch of junk but you know that you can
Everyday’s an odyssey but you can stand up while you pee
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
You can use your mind
to start a fire
And the thing about pickles
is they never expire
If you wanna keep fit
Well that’s mighty smart
Just hold your nose
Cuz when you sit up you fart
When you’re a man
you gotta cook your own feast
Just be mighty careful
That soup quite a beast
If you’re gon’ tell joke
Make sure it don’t flop
A skeleton walks into a bar
And says give me a beer and a mop — GREATEST JOKE OF ALL TIME
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
You gotta do a bunch of junk but you know that you can
Everyday’s an odyssey but you can stand up while you pee
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
If you don’t know your drivers
We have to call you a plumber
But if you can do it yourself
Then you might get a hummer
So you gotta look formal
Like a cool drink of water
You better know your tie’s
Unless your name’s Harry Houdini
Hey baseball’s on
And Joe Buck’s your name
Don’t never say
Hey this guy’s about to throw a perfect game
Talking about Women
I got nothing brilliant
But you should know this
They’re all different
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
You gotta do a bunch of junk but you know that you can
Everyday’s an odyssey but you can stand up while you pee
Cuz being a man’s kinda like being a super hero man
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Max Weisz
1507 7th St. PO Box #282
Santa Monica, CA, 90403
Are you tired of online colleges and universities that only offer degrees? Are you looking for an online education that doesn’t focus ONLY on education? Tired of getting Straight A’s or perfect test scores, accepted to grad school and job offers up the ying yang? Well look no further because College University Technical College Online is the online education that the professor prescribed! Instead of a boring curriculum or educational resources – CUTCO focuses on providing a complete college experience all from the comfort of your own home. No Faculty Library mercy problem reddit. And more than just using a lanyard to carry your school ID or inappropriately wearing your high school athletic gear all the time CUTCO provides its students with a full range of collegiate opportunities!
At CUTCO you can: Attend a Frat Party (Toga), Join an Intramural Sports Team, Or just hang in your dorm room.
Looking to meet that special someone? College is your chance to really sleep around! At CUTCO you can: Find your significant other! Hook up with Some one new! Have a threesome. CUTCO strongly encourages students to practice safe sex– rubber glove
CUTCO offers manageable class sizes of just you. This allows students to: Sleep through a class, Skip a Class, Befriend a Professor, or just Cheat on a test – way to get Cum Laude!
No Quad? No Problem – you can still enjoy all the fun in the sun activities from your own chair such as: Grilling, Football, Frisbee, Beer Pong And Streaking. In college I messed up my knee and had to walk with a cane for 3 months. I streak limped with my cane.
Just because CUTCO is online doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat! Included in tuition is a fully comprehensive meal plan consisting of one cup of ramen noodles, peanut butter, and one phone number for late night pizza. Just watch out for the freshmen 15! TOTAL MYTH by the way.
CUTCO even offers opportunities off campus! from Studying Abroad at Starbucks to Spring Break in the Bathtub. Or Internship on the mean streets.
So what are you waiting for? Enroll in CUTCO today and take the first step on your journey to doing anything counterproductive to achieving a degree.
Love,Max
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Max Weisz
1507 7th St. PO Box #282
Santa Monica, CA, 90403
My Favorite Backhanded Compliments
1) I’d like an egg salad sandwich – oh because you’re a loser?
2) You really know how to eat!
3) That looks really comfortable
4) I like a girl with meat on her bones
5) You could be a hand model!
6) Look at you!
7) That was a really funny Joke / what a great story
8) You look really nice in this light
9) I can see how someone like you would think that
10) Nice tits bro!
11) You have such a pretty face
12) You’re really tall –
13) you clean up nicely
14) Nice Tits (said to a guy)
15) When’s the Baby due?
16) That’s a tad Rapey
17) Surprisingly non-racist
18) Gun to my head? Sure I’d marry you
19) You’re really pretty – you should do porn
20) You drive really well for a woman
21) Bless her heart
22) that dress is so cute for someone your size
Hey look at this guy Jackin the beanstalk
NEW VIDEO: How to Write an Essay
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Maybe this is just how I write a paper. I’m not a sex offender, but I’m about to Rape this bibliography.. does that make me a Literapist? Wikipedia is the best. Coffee gives me the jitters. Sparknotes saved me more than I’d care to admit. The trick where you replace all punctuation with giant font size punctuation actually does work. You’re welcome. My Zombie Apocalypse plan is to find Richard Ryan and stay the fuck next to him. That spiderman comic was an Alex Ross gem — Marvels. That horn was given to me by my roommate in college. I used to drink beers out of it. Somehow I got Bubba Sparxxx Ms New Booty in my head and I haven’t been able to get it out. Or used to or whatever. I am nasty at minesweeper — probably the best you’ve ever seen. I like Solitaire, but I don’t like Spider Solitaire. My sister wished for and got a snowstorm today. Snow days kill. I never even beat super Mario 3 without using 2 whistles! I’m so embarrassed. Kitten videos own youtube. OH my god I’m at 34% I need my power cord — forgot that one. The chats I used: Gchat, Facebook, Snap Chat, Morse Code, Carrier Pigeon, America online, SMS, BBM, iMessage, Yahoo Messinger, Skype, What’s App, and telepathy. I always ued to attach the wrong file thank got it was never a clown PORN FILE. It’s not plagiarism if… is the most important sentence you can know as a student. The most important thing to do is to Frankenstein two Wikipedia articles and then call it a day. My Rough drafts were always my final drafts.
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So this is Facebook…
History
First it was cool (2004)
Then they let high school kids in (2006)
Then it got a little weird (2007)
Then they had Like button which was cool until you realized you were an unwitting advertising vehicle and data mule making facebook even more fucking money advertiser, making facebook even richer (2009)
Then they made the social network with Jesse what’shisname and new spiderman (2010)
Then everyone’s mom joined (2011)
Then Zuckerberg took all our private shit and blackmailed everyone until he took over the world … oh wait that hasn’t happened yet (2015)
Birthdays I forget birthdays like a motherfucker.
TMI Filing Divorce Papers YOLO STD Test results prove it! I’m not a HO
Man this Diarrhea gets in the way of my masturbating Has anyone seen my diaphragm?
Inappropriate
Sad Breakup
To the left to the left On to the next one
And I’m here to remind you
Cry me a river
Ominous cryptic phrases
SINGLE! Yolo
Spotify
Bruno Mars
Farmville
Mafia Wars
NO
Sadly, 97% of Facebook users won’t share, like, or repost this. In 1964 a brilliant young scientist attempted a science experiment that went haywire, with the resulting explosion severely scarring the young man’s face. After being unfairly expelled from Empire State University, dedicated his life to bettering our world using his vast knowledge of mathematics, mechanical engineering, physiology and spirituality. He didn’t have to, but he did. Share, Like or Repost this if you are one of the 3% who is not ashamed to say, “Thank you Doctor Doom.”
Petition
Share this if…
Repost this! You could win an iPad
FRIEND SUGGESTIONS
RELATIONSHIP
Pasta, movie, and vino — perfect Date night with my boo!!! (but not until I post about it on facebook)
Surprised the Hubby with tickets to the Game!
Cookin dinner for my boo! Wifey Status!
SINGLE
Date night with my girls!!!
Back on the prowl ladies
Don’t even act like I never meant anything to you.
Yes I’m single and you’re going to have to be AMAZING to change that
Waiting for a real man / love of my Life
Who does these chumps at the bar think they are?
Overused Quotes — Here are some overused quotes and their translations
You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth. Or Jerk Off like nobody’s home. Comment like there aren’t any trolls. Eat like no one will ever see you naked. Drink like you molested by Cookie Monster
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints; And by laugh I mean have sex
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe
You’re only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on, and the friends you roll with.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference” - Robert Frost
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” I wish I could’ve gotten drunk with Dr. Seuss
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among stars!” — Les Brown. Not how space works. Humans can’t survive Head explodes… you know what I don’t want to even get into it
Three Word Phrases: Eat Pray Love. Live Laugh Love. In this Economy. Gym Tan Laundry. Is It In / Just The Tip. It’s a Trap. Resistance is Futile. Bros before Hos. Today is a Gift. Ride or Die. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Fire ze Missiles. YIppie Kayae Motherfucker. Never Look Back. Death before dishonor. Knowledge is power. Carpe Diem Yolo like there’s no tomorrow Fact about Holidays: Columbus Day, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving. People! Trolling is subtly driving people crazy not being a fucking dbag. Now there’s babies on Facebook. Motherfuckers gonna have literally their entire lives on facebook. We’re going to be able to look up the profile of a President of the United States and be like Oh.. that’s what he looks like at an 80s party. Playing Flipcup. With a Sharpie dick drawn on his face. So I guess what I’m saying is… Share this video on facebook Make sure you like my fanpage on facebook Send me a gift on facebook Poke me on facebook Friend me on facebook Tag me on Facebook Join my mafia on facebook Check me in on Facebook Photobomb me on Facebook Fuck me on Facebook Be my Farmville friend on Facebook Play me in Words with Friends on Facebook And basically love me on facebook because that’s the only place it really matters
